Nelly's Not The Prophet!!

Brothas and Sistas, Nelly is a rapper not the Prophet! When he wrote the song: IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE - SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES, that was not a revelation and he was not taking to us. Really I should just say sistas cause the brothas are keeping their clothes on (even the pre and post mission clothes from 5 years ago... Shout out to brotha Stephen L , I kinda got your back, I said KINDA) :). Now this is something that ya'll won't hear at General Conference. Why you ask, cause the General Relief Society President is more like Aunt Bea and less like Madea. However, there's a few members of the church that are like **Madea and if you ever have the opportunity to meet them you will gain an immediate testimony of modesty, or want to leave the church.

I know you're wondering how I know all this, and if I've had the opportunity to meet such refreshingly honest women... Well, let's just say I have a testimony of modesty! Yes, it was baptism by fire! No, there are no pictures! Yes, I feel blessed and highly favored! Yes, my feelings were hurt! No, I didn't leave the church. Yes sistas all is well in zion... Now!

Stop trying to make things sexy that aren't. If a police woman walked up to my car to give me a ticket dressed the way some of the female officers dress for Halloween, I would have her arrested for sexual assualt. Nobody wants to see a pregnant nun, or stripper L.D.S. Missionary, it ain't cute! Sistas let's stop trying to make stuff sexy thats not sexy! Nurses, really? A maids costume? If your answer is yes, don't be surprised if your husband expects you to clean in that. When did animals become sexy? Animals... Really? Some of the most profound things I've learned in my adult life I've learned from my Madea. Who would probably tell us not to let Halloween turn nice housewives into modest hoes.

It's time for us to return back to basics! Where being an animal meant being fully clothed. Dressing like a nurse meant if you walked into a hospital they'd put you to work. And dressing like a maid meant you looked like you could clean places where dirt and dust collected, not that you were trying to collect other peoples husbands. Sistas we have got to stop trying to look like "sexy teens", so that our teens won't be trying to look like "sexy women". We are all beautiful, and some of us really do have "sweet spirits". It's time that we once again proclaim, "I'm Mormon, I can't". No, let's switch that "I'm Mormon, I won't". I won't dress immodest, I won't be the Naughty Angel, no matter how heavenly it might seem. I won't embarrass my whole entire church by going on Dr. Phil (my own personal issue thought I'd throw it in). Sistas I'm not trying to throw ya'll under the bus, I'm just saying we have gotten outta control. Lets save something for our husbands in the privacy of our own homes. There's no need for us to try to solve all the unsolved mysteries of Halloween. Our new motto should be we are "treats not tricks" . Please stop telling folks " I'm a dead swimmer" so you can wear a bikini (Renee)!

We don't really want our dear Prophet to have to address this issue again. Asking us how we went from being Celestial Wholesome Queens on the 30 of Oct., to Naughty, Naked, and Obscene on 31 of Oct. What a difference a day makes! I don't want President Monson calling Madea. Don't be fooled, the LDS Church has a couple different versions of Madea! Trust me, we got a Madea that speaks every language, even suburbia. What are your thoughts on Halloween? All caution has a cost - "I'm taking my garments off"!! Or does being modest make you spiritually strong - "I'm keeping my garments on"!


** (Mother Dear = usually grandma, sometimes an older woman in the community not always related. Almost always Black) is about to educate ya'll without putting you through the public humiliation.

Sista Beehive

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Don't Make Us Do the Sheri Dew

Ok guys, I hate to pick on you, but you make yourselves such easy targets. I don’t know what it is, but some of the worst pick up lines I have ever heard come from Mormon men. Maybe it’s because they don’t drink, does drinking give you swagger? Every time I hear “My Liahona is pointing at you?” I throw up in my mouth, just a little. Come on are you serious, and that doesn’t even sound right. If the ratio of men to women at BYU weren’t 5 women for every 1 man, no one would be getting hitched.

MoMen you have seriously got to find some swagger and find it fast! LDS women are getting savvy. We’re not supposed to drink caffeine, but we know how to DO THE DEW!

 Sheri L. Dew

In 2003, she was described as

“the most prominent single LDS woman right now”.

Now this is a Sista who is not having it, those rusty pick lines are not working on her. She can do bad all by herself.

Look boys, going on a Mission is nice and all, but I don’t care how cool you thought those clothes were two years ago, they are not in style anymore. Step your game up Brothas! Stop going to dances and saying how grateful you are for Martin Harris, cause if it weren’t for him we would be 116 pages further apart. Stop telling us you found a way for women to hold the priesthood, and then trying to get us to hug you.

Now ladies, you know why they keep doing it? Cause some of ya’ll are giggling and acting like it’s cute. STOP! That’s why you end up married for 10 years and your man is still wearing his Missionary suit.

Ok guys, so you have now been officially schooled. We don’t want to hear it! Don’t tell us you recognize our name from your patriarchal blessing, that when you came to church you knew you would feel the spirit, but you didn’t know you would see an angel. We don’t want the gift of tongues bestowed upon us, and yes we do obey the
Word of Wisdom even though we are SMOKING…Hot.

And Sistas, next time a fella steps to you and says some crazy ish like “If our bodies are a temple, where can I get a recommend to yours?” You better tell that fool he ain’t worthy!

What are the worst pick up lines you've heard? MoMen don't be shy, which ones have you used? Are any of these lines actually working? Are you an RM who still wears their pre-Mission clothes? How long can a Missionary suit last?

Sista Laurel

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Testimony By Invitation Only

I was once at a testimony meeting where a General Authority was visiting. A man stood up and said. "What do I need to do to be a G.A.? What do I need to do to be the first "Black Prophet"? Yes, he did! Yes, I laughed (not out loud). Yes, I wish I had a "Pink Panic Button" I would have pushed it as soon as he turned to look at the G.A. cause I knew it wasn't going to be good. It was wrong on so many different levels.

If I had the Priesthood, testimony meetings would be run a little different. Yes, they would still be highly emotional. However, members would be able to bare testimonies by invitation only. There would be instructions on what a testimony is and how one should bare it. There would be a mandatory time limit on how long a testimony should take. Stories are acceptable, however, they would have to pertain to the testimony and must be a testimony that will strengthen members of the congregation. There would be consequences for those brothas and sistas that are always breaking the rules. I would call it the "Pink Panic Button".

Although women are more emotional then men, we are less confrontational. I would never embarrass another brotha or sista by standing next to them and whispering in their ear that what they were saying was inappropriate, even if it was. Nor would I tug on a skirt or pant leg to let a person know that they've gone over the allotted time. I would simply push the "Pink Panic Button".

When the pink button is pushed the floor underneath the speaker opens up and the speaker takes a wild slide ride that leads to a room where they would have to read the article where President Monson talks about building a strong testimony, until church was over. On second thought, I don’t want the priesthood, I just want to get the "Pink Panic Button" implemented fast!

Sista Beehive

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Saturday's War

Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday.... For years we've all been striving (or should have been striving) to use our Saturdays to prepare for Sunday. I must admit that I haven't always felt eager to prepare for anything except Christmas and maybe a few birthdays... maybe. However, as I've taken on this particular challenge I find it extremely difficult to remain patient.

My boys have a way of sneaking odd objects into our home without me finding out until it's time for me to do the laundry. In the boys room, I found a home made shank... I would like to think it's a B.O.M. weapon, and that my son was thinking like a "strippling warrior", however, I know it's just a product of our watching too much "Gangland" on the History Channel (T.M.I.).

Anyways, I've become my mother... No Saturday morning cartoons until your room is cleaned, and you have what you're wearing to church out on your bed. With all the moaning and groaning I find it difficult not to take it to the next level of insanity. "What are you complaining for when I was your age we didn't have TiVo. When I missed a show I had to wait for a rerun!!" Don't get me started with the many memories of how things used to be... Remember when kids were afraid to talk back? Wow, I just had to save myself, I almost gave a shout out to "the good old days" which would have officially made me and my mother the same person. I'm not really there yet.

I don't know if the suggestion to use Saturday to prepare for Sunday was to encourage family togetherness, or just really to be prepared for Sunday. I don't know if the Brothern realize that families all across the world are at war on Saturdays and on most Sundays some mothers shouldn't even look at the Sacrament tray lest they should catch fire and turn into ashes. I don't know how many more Saturdays I can keep my cool without having a "Drop Kick Me Jesus" moment! Brothas and sistas, the warring has got to stop, I'm in need of a treaty - any suggestions? Help keep a sista outta jail...


Sista Beehive

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Never Raise Your Hand In Primary

I remember the first talk I ever gave. I was 5 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I even remember what the talk was about, I told a wonderful story about a boy named Timmy, and a butterfly. Do you want to know why I remember it so well, because it was traumatizing of course! Picture it...a family decides to move to America, a 5 year old girl and her Father travel months ahead of the rest of the family, to secure a place for the family to live.

After sometime in my new Ward I summoned up enough courage to raise my hand when they asked for volunteers to give a talk the following week in Primary. I was so excited to show my Father the slip of paper which said that I had to prepare a 2 minute talk. My Father was so proud, we went home and called the family to tell them the good news. My Mother was so happy, but so sad she would miss it. My father rushed me off the phone because he wanted to start preparing my talk immediately.

He got out a blue spiral bound notebook and began to ask me what I wanted to speak about so he could write it down. My parents are converts and were never in Primary so I explained to my Dad that I had seen many talks now, and all he had to do was come into the Primary room next Sunday, kneel next to me at the pulpit, whisper the talk into my ear one line at a time, and then I would repeat it into the microphone. Nonsense! He said. I have never seen someone whisper a talk in someone’s ear. It happens all the time in Primary I assured him. He didn’t believe me. He asked me what the other children talk about. I told him that they usually told a story, that there was a magazine that had nice stories in it, and their parent’s whispered it in their ears and the children repeated them. He still didn’t believe me about the whispering in the ear part, but he consented that having a story that portrayed the message you were talking about was a good idea. He didn’t know what the magazine was and we didn’t have any children’s church books, so together we made up a story about a boy named Timmy and a butterfly. Hours later we had finally completed the talk and I was tired and ready for bed.

The next day when I got home from school, after I had finished my homework I headed outside to play. Where do you think you are going my Dad said. To play I said. No, no, he said, you have to practice your talk. Practice! The talk wasn’t until Sunday, today was Monday, what was he talking about. Now I had lost the whisper the talk in my ear battle, but I had been reading for years, what was there to practice. I would just take the paper up there and read the talk. Read the talk he said, no that’s not how they do it you have to memorize it, at conference they don’t look down at the pulpit, they have their talks memorized. I was flabbergasted. This man who had never been to Primary a day in his life, was comparing my two minute talk to a conference talk.(Which by the way, they use teleprompters! Didn’t know that then, so couldn’t make that argument). I began to cry, I looked through the tears in my eyes, he wasn’t moved at all. This is where not having my Mother on the otherside of the world would have come in handy. I took the blue spiral notebook from his hand and walked into the living room and slumped into a chair and began to memorize my talk. Did I mention that this was just a simple Primary talk? What about that I was only 5, did I mention that? This was my life for the rest of the week. My Father would listen and correct me if I skipped a word. I began to despise Timmy and that stupid butterfly.

At last Sunday came. My Father picked a hideous outfit for me, as he had been doing for the past few months, I was lucky if I eneded up with the same color shoes on my feet. My hair looked a hot mess. One fat braid sticking straight up from the middle of my head, another sticking directly out at the side of my head. I’m sure people thought I was homeless. When it was time to give my talk in Primary, I got to come up front and sit in the chairs behind the pulpit. I could see my Father sitting proudly at the back of the room. I was the second talk. As I watched the boy before me get up there and watched his mother lovingly whisper the words in his ear, I started to get mad. Why didn’t he listen? What was so wrong with whispering? Wasn’t he always telling me not yell and to whisper? Why couldn’t he do it? Why couldn’t I just read it? I really missed my Mother. When I got up to the pulpit I began my talk, I said it exactly like we had rehearsed it all week, I put the voice inflections right where Dad told me they should go, I stopped where there were periods and paused where there were commas, didn’t mess up once. When I had finsihed my talk my Dad looked up at me so pleased, and instead of going back to my seat I walked directly to him put my head on his shoulder and began to sob.

He quickly picked me up and took me into the hall, and handed me his kercheif. He knelt down beside me and quietly asked me what was wrong. OH! Now he wanted to kneel beside me and whisper! I told him I wished he would have just done it the way everyone else had done it and whispered it to me, but you can read he tried to reason with me. I could have pretended I didn’t know how, I told him. I’m sorry he told me, I didn’t know what it was like, I never went to Primary, maybe next time…..NEXT TIME, was he insane, there would be no next time, that two minute talk had cost me playing outside for an entire week. I would be sitting on my hands from now on in primary when they asked for volunteers for anything, I would be looking confused like I didn’t speak English.

As Primary ended people started leaving the room, my teachers and friends and other parents stopped in the hall to tell me how well I had done on my talk and how impressed they were. It made me feel a little better, you know how your parents say the same thing and you don’t want to hear it, but coming from a stranger it makes you smile. I dried my tears, and Dad and I headed home to call my Mother so I could recite my talk to her and beg her to come to America and comb my hair!

Have a traumatizing talk story to share? Do you have that kid that is always volunteering for talks in Primary? Practice all week with your kid for a talk, then they get up there and stare at you and say nothing?

Your Sista In the Gospel,
Sista Laurel

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Titanic In the Living Room??

Saturday I attended a Non-Mormon wedding reception that was "Amazing"! I'm not saying that Mormon Receptions (aren't amazing lower case "a"). I'm just saying that sometimes "We" (Mormons) don't really know how to celebrate. Let me give you the run down... First of all everyone was Dressed "Dressed", you know what I'm saying!! It was the type of celebration that if you had on a floral dress with the lace collar you felt out of place and under dressed.

The Ceremony was very nice. There was a Preacher! I'm talking a real Preacher... Sorry, I'm just really excited. He said, "If you wake up one morning and there is a Titanic in your living room, you know you've got a problem". He was talking about not going to bed angry, and how marriage is like a ship...Or cruz...Or Noah's Ark...Ya'll know I got ADD. I didn't get all of it because MamaRine was talking (sorry girl), yes, I'm calling you out! I don't think I've ever seen or witnessed a real Preacher breaking it down Preacher style in Utah County, robe and all! Made me want to rock with Jesus! Glory, Glory!

Real Food!!! Yes, brotha's, real food!! There was something there for everyone. Red beans and rice, mac and cheese, veggie bar-b-que, salad, Haitian cold slaw, and many other dishes that were fantastic on the pallet, but to complicated for the vocabulary.

Good music and dancing! Now I know what you're thinking, We dance. No boo, we don't dance at weddings. We have "A" dance, usually it's the bride and groom's dance, while the guest just watch. At this wedding there was dancing of course there was the bride and groom's dance. Then there was the family dance, the two step, the soul train line, new electric slide, and the electric slide! It was so much fun! The music was enjoyable and clean!! I mentioned clean because sometimes at LDS events people of color have to beg the DJ to play soul music, and as you are sitting there begging the DJ to play something that you (people of color) can groove too. You have to listen to him tell you that he can't play what you've requested because it's not appropriate... Really, you can't play "All The Single Ladies" but you can play " Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Or "Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy"? Wow, it feels great to have music that everyone... or mostly everyone, can dance too.

Let me not forget the "Shout Outs"! When the Bride and or Groom, grabs the mic and starts giving "shout outs". Shout Outs are given as a just in case, just in case I don't see you before the night is over. Just in case, I don't ever get another chance to say this again in my life. So the Groom gave a shout " It's amazing what the power of women can do. Everything you see here today, it's because these ladies made it happen! I just want to say Thank You to all of them!" Wow!! How many folks get to give a shout out or have received a much needed shout out! I'm giving a "Shout Out" to Mike P. the Groom, Thank You, for Thanking all the women who were able to help out(I wasn't one of those women who helped). To the women who did help put the conference hall together, the place looked so Beautiful!!

Now I don't want ya'll having a fit, writing or trying to "call me out" which is different from a "shout out" talking about "Pleazzzze Mormons, do know how to throw a party!" I have been to a few LDS Weddings, that have "Rocked"! Having said that I know I talk about the appearance of things a lot, but for me it's important to dress the part!

Let's recap:
Dress: (Non~Mormon) Nice Suit, Dress etc.
(Mormon) Nice Jeans (sometimes) Floral Dress w/ doily collar.

Food: (Non~ Mormon) ~ Food, Food, Real Food!
(Mormon)~ Mints and Nuts! Yummy!! :)

Ceremony: (Non~ Mormon) ~Preaching
(Mormon) ~Talking

Past Time: (Non~ Mormon) ~Dancing
(Mormon) ~ Talkin

Greetings: (Non~Mormon) Mingling
(Mormon) ~Long line...and Talking

Thirst Quincher: (Non~ Mormon) Dranks!!
(Mormon) ~Drinks! J/K there were no "Dranks" at this wedding, just drinks! Ya'll know the differences? Ask sista Laurel, she went to the last wedding I went too :).

Not everyone dresses up at non~mormon weddings there is always that one person two or three, that show up looking a hot mess!! Yes brotha's and sista's we had a few of those. Who wears saggy jeans to a semi-formal wedding? These two knuckle heads! With the best excuse ever! I have a concert tonight, I would say his name... but you've never heard of him. Who launches their hard core rap career in Utah??? I know, I laugh ever time I think about it to.

Love~N~Happiness!

Sista Beehive

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NO! Cherrios In the Chapel

I always wished I were in one of those families who brought Cherrios to church. Nope, that is not my testimony. We couldn’t do anything at church, but put our hands in our laps and look straight ahead. Once some friendly unsuspecting woman, had one of her kids offer us a snack. We each took one and popped it in our mouths. When my Mother looked down that pew and saw our mouths moving the look on her face alone made me start to sweat. You see my parents rarely said, “You’re gonna get it when you get home.” They had the “This is the place” mentality. If you can act up here then this is the place you get punished. After Sacrament meeting she herded us into the women’s restroom (yes, even my brother). Now Brothas and Sistas, I’m not going to write the details of what happened to us in the restroom that Sunday, but let’s just say we felt everything, but the Spirit. After that when ever someone tried to hand us a treat we looked at them like they were handing us a piece of leprosy and said, NO THANK YOU! (In our heads we were saying, “Get that away from me, I’m trying to be reverent, are you crazy! Do you not know who my Mother is?) I don’t know a thing about bring snacks to church in Tupperware, and by Tupperware do you mean those plastic cups my Mother kept in the cupboard that she said were too expensive for us to drink out of.

Once in Primary they told us bringing “quiet books” to church was a good way to be reverent in Sacrament meeting. Well, Brothas and Sistas, they lied, cause when I tried to walk out of the house with that “quiet book”, my Mama got real loud! Oh, and don’t even think about asking to go to the bathroom during Sacrament meeting, if you didn’t go at home, or before the meeting started, you had better take that up with your bladder. While we watched other children happily coloring in their coloring books, we looked down at the back of the one meeting program that my parents divided into sections so we could all share it to write down thoughts about the talks we were supposed to be listening too. In Sacrament meeting the Friend, was no friend of mine. If you thought church magazines were allowed, you thought wrong. Once my brother was reading one, and even though he was sitting on the opposite end of the pew from my Mom, the back of her go go Gadget arm found the back of his head.

Do you know why Bishops keep candy in their office, and say have as many as you’d like? I don’t, I don’t even know what the Bishop’s candy tastes like. When we got treats in Primary my parents wouldn’t let us eat them at church, not even after church. We had to take it home and save it. Save it for what you ask? Save it until they said we could eat it, and by then that popcorn ball was so stale, that it tasted like it actually fe1l off the apricot tree. (Click here if you don’t get that joke.)

Do you want to know who I blame? I blame YOU! My parents got away with acting like the Grinch Who Stole Primary thanks to all the adults who after Sacrament meeting said, "You’re children are always so well-behaved." So excuse me if I didn’t comment on yesterday’s post, I was to busy experiencing flash backs and cold sweats.

Was it just me, or did you have parents who sucked the fun out of being Mormon? What kind of parent are you? What keeps your kids reverent in Sacrament meeting? What keeps YOU reverent?

Sista Larel

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Cheerios In The Chapel

The LDS church is probably one of the only churches that I've ever attended that allowed children to eat snacks during church (without sneaking). My husband and I had been married for a while (according to mormon standards) before we started our family. Which gave us time to figure out all the latest in best baby snacks. As we witnessed all the failures and successes some of our friends were having in the pursuit of finding the best baby snacks. Unlike my friends my decision was based on something more concrete. My decision was baised on the snacks that I liked the most... What? Don't judge me!

When my husband and I started I was ready. I had the baby, I had the diaper bag, I had the snacks, I was excited and prepared! Within a hour of being at church I realized that babies don't eat, anything!! They drink, dang it! I didn't really think about that. I did find out that as a mother I was entitled to snacks. Yeah! So I continued to pack snacks for myself, I had to keep my health up so that I could nurse... Even though I wasn't really nursing... Don't judge me! It takes energy to make a bottle too. When my baby was finally old enough to process treats, was a happy day for me. I took Gummy Bears, Fruit Snacks, Teddy Grams, and of course Cheerios, all the treats that I loved and that she would grow to love.

My excitement was short lived when she rejected my treats and wanted to partake of Sister Browns (name changed to protect the innocent) instead. Sister Brown was an expert in the packing of snacks. She was the mother of 3 children, all of whom were perfect during Sacrament Meeting. I must admit that Sister Browns snacks did look scrumptious. She brought super sized Fruit Loops, and Cheerios, Super Sized! She had the cutest tupper - ware with perfectly packed dried fruit, and mini fruit snacks. I must say that I was impressed with Sister Browns creative display of snack packing. Yes I was impressed, and yes I was jealous!

My little one continued to look into my hand at my meager display of cheerios, while reaching for the treats that Sister Brown held out for her son. Sister Brown, (bless her heart) began to share the treats that were meant for her son with my child. I tried everything that Sunday during Sacrament, but nothing could distract my little one from this Relief Society Sister, her son, or her snacks.

I know that many would be grateful to have the help of a sister to keep there baby happy during Sacrament. However on this occasion that was not my testimony... Don't judge me! I decided that I needed to be better prepared in the future. So the following Sunday I was ready, I did 3 things different.
1. During the week we had taste test! I needed to know what she liked (just kidding, I said I did 3 things different because things sound better in 3's not 2's). :)
2.I found the exact same Super Sized Fruit Loops, Cheerios, and Mini Fruit Snacks. As for the dried fruit, I didn't have the skill (nor did I know anyone who did) to make it myself, 3 outta 4 ain't bad.
3. I sat in the furthest possible seat in the chapel from Sister Brown.

I can honestly say that over the years my attitude has really changed! It's amazing what 15 years and 8 children can do to a women and her way and or pattern of thinking. I not only willingly accept but have also learned to ask for help. I had even gotten to the point by the time I had my last child that I didn't even freak out (as much) when he would eat cheerios or other treats that had been licked by his little church buddies. I have to laugh when I think about the pressure that we as women put on ourselves. I'm sure that there are those times when we are judged by our peers and that never feels good. However, I know that in my case when I've seen myself through the eyes of others I've usually judge myself more harshly then they may have judged me. I often wonder if Sister Brown realized that she was the trend setter for baby dos and don'ts in my ward at that time.

Who are the trend setters in your life? What pressures have you placed on yourself in the past that now seems silly?

Sista Beehive

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Coming Out of the Closet

When I was younger all of my close friends knew that I was LDS. I often invited my friends to church with me and I wore that weird green ring with CTR on it. I think that people of all religions have those distinct times when they come out of the religious closet. I've had many of those times in my life and I'm sure I’ll have many more. I’m talking about the first time you announce to someone that you are Mormon, or the first time a certain group of people find out. It happens to me every time I move to a new place or make a new friend.

I remember one of the first times I stepped out of the Mormon closet at school. I was in the 5th grade. We had come to the section on religion in Social Studies class and the teacher was calling out the religions and picking students to be in each group. I glanced through the chapter to see which religion I wanted to raise my hand for, and to my surprise I saw a tiny paragraph with the word MORMONISM as the title. When she called Mormonism I raised my hand, wiggled in my chair, even made some noises, but some how I ended up in the Hinduism group.

We worked on our projects for weeks and then it was the day to present. I had a great group and we had someone who practiced Hinduism in our group, so we had a lot of cool stuff to show off. We rocked it. When it was time for the group on Mormonism to present, a classmate (I can’t say her name, even though it was a long time ago she recently found me on facebook and she might remember), gets up there and starts telling a story about Joe Smith and a gold Bible. It was a fantastic story, we were all engaged, I just don’t know what it had to do with Mormonism. I loved Primary and I always paid attention, and I had never heard this story before. Then when they got to the part about Brigham Young she kept saying, Brig Ham (like the meat) Young. They told how Mormons wore funny clothes, thought coffee and tea would turn you into the devil, how it was more of a cult than a religion, all kinds of craziness! The teacher asked them why they had no visual aids and items to share with the class. They said because Mormons don’t believe in having things so they couldn’t get any, most of the Mormons died in the desert and the rest were in Utah so they couldn’t interview anyone who was Mormon.

I know what you’re thinking, F+! So I raised my hand and told the teacher that they were pronouncing Brigham Young’s name wrong and that the group and the book were wrong. How do you know?, she said. Because I’m Mormon, I said. Everyone was looking at me shocked. One of my friends said to me, I didn’t know you were Mormon. I looked at her like she was crazy; you’ve been to church with me a bunch of times. Oh, that’s the Mormon Church, she said.

My teacher asked if in the following week I could talk to the class about Mormonism, bring some items to show the class, like the gold bible, and even dress in Mormon attire. Sure I said…..for extra credit (I’m a hustler baby!). My teacher told the class to think about any questions they had about Mormons and I would answer them next week. I went home and told my parents, my teacher wants me to dress like a Mormon and talk about the church, what should I wear? Jeans, my Dad said.

The day of my presentation I wore a stylish church dress, some frilly dress socks, a polished pair of dress shoes, my hair looked fly (see Sista Beehive, Mormons are SHARP!). I talked about the LDS faith and what we believe, showed them what I had brought, showed them the Book of Mormon (had to explain why it was blue and not gold). Then finally I opened it up for questions. My peers started raising their hands and the questions kept coming.

How many Moms do you have? (I didn’t even know about the polygamy thing back then, so I had no idea what they were talking about). Where’s your hat and your cloak? (I’m not Amish). I heard you guys drink special water? (Yeah, Nephi’s spit). How come you’re alive? (Note to self, don’t sit by the morbid kid). Are you allowed to watch TV? (I’m not Amish). Are you married? (Are you high?) How come you don’t have a horse and buggy? (I’m not Amish). Is that why your Mom is always pregnant? (Don’t talk about my Mama!) Are Mormons the people from the Mayflower? (Nope, those we’re Pilgrims, you’re thinking of Pioneers). Mormons don’t like black people. (I like myself). Name a famous Mormon. (Dale Murphy). Mormons are weird! (Yo Mama!)……….and finally the bell rang.

Come out of the Mormon closet lately? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been asked about Mormons? Have a question about Mormons that you are dying to ask?

Sista Laurel

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Hallelujah Holla Back!

Sometimes I wish that President Monson was also a D.J. and took special requests. Because I know that people are willing to listen to him. I can just see it now...

President Monson: Hallelujah Holla Back, Brothas and Sistas, this is D.J. Thomy, taking your special request live...liv…liv...live, holla atcha Prez.

Sista Beehive: Umm... D.J. Thomy, could you please give a shout out to my husband, I want him to start letting me pick his clothes because I have a keen since of style. Oh... yeah tell him to stop cutting his own hair, cause I don't really like that either. You getting all that?

President Monson: Yeah...little Sista I got you.

Sista Beehive: Ummmm, One more thing...

President Monson: Alright Sista, we got eternity.... but we don't got all day.... hahaha.

Sista Beehive: Please, one more.... ummm how come he can spend hours watching BYU basketball but can't watch a chick flick with his wife??? Huh? Why?

President Monson: Sista, I know you don't expect me to respond to that...but, I will say this, Brothas, watching a chick flick, won't affect your Priesthood, but watching one with the one you love will bring you closer to the eternal relationship you seek! Ya heard it here Brothas and Sistas. It's out there far and wide, high and low, from "This is the place" to "Whoop there it is"... Thanks for tuning in; I hope ya'll had a good time! Be Blessed and Hallelujah Holla Back!

That’s how I imagine it anyway, because I know that the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator, can communicate in all tongues…. even Ebonics.

Who would you need President Monson to shout out to? What would your special request be?

Sista Beehive

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Can I Get A Translator, The Mormons Are Speaking In Tounges Again

There are words and phrases that Mormons use all the time, they are common to us, but no one else knows what the heavens we are talking about.

Once, my parents invited a friend to Stake Conference. On the drive home, noticing that the man seemed somewhat agitated, my Dad asked if he had enjoyed the meeting. The man said, the meeting was nice, but we could have at least let him stay for the steak. He went on to say he had eaten a small breakfast that day, because he knew he would be having steak later on. When we all started giggling he looked really confused. My Dad explained that the word was actually S-T-A-K-E and not S-T-E-A-K, and that it was used to describe a group of Wards (another word we had to explain to him) within a certain boundary.

I wonder how many investigators have been planning to attend STEAK CONFERENCE?

Experiences like these got Sista Beehive and I thinking, wouldn’t it be great if there was a sort of Mormon Dictionary. Something to explain what non-members might expect, words they may not know, sayings we use all the time and what they mean.

In Wards with a lot of new converts, in an inner city area, or where the people just speak the native tongue and not Mormon, there can be great confusion.

During a Young Women’s lesson on chastity the leader giving the lesson said that the girls should avoid “necking and petting.” The girls had no idea what she was talking about. What is necking and petting, one of the girls asked? All the leaders looked at each other trying to think of a good way to explain it. Finally I said, “feeling each other up”. The young woman said, well why didn’t you just say that. I don’t know what necking is, but petting is something you do to a cat. Then the girls explained what “feeling someone up” was to those leaders who now looked confused. (That’s what leaders are talking about when they say, “I’m learning more from the girls than they are probably learning from me.”)

Here are some of the things we think should be in the Mormon Dictionary:

STAKE: A group of Wards

STAKE CONFERENCE: A meeting for the members of a stake; like most airlines no meals are provided; complimentary bread and water

WARD: A congregation; not to be confused with a ward in a mental institution, although some of the same people may be found at both

FIRESIDE: A meeting with a speaker who speaks on a religious topic; topics are often geared towards certain members such as the youth, single adults, etc; no fire is involved; meeting usually held at a Ward building in the chapel where it is usually cold.(side note: back to yesterday's topic, this could explain some of the cuddling)

BISHOPRIC: A Bishop and his two counselors make up a Bishopric; unlike when Mormons say, Sister Young or Brother Jacobs, the Bishops name is not Rick (so not Bishop Rick)

FAMILIES CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER is not a threat, but a saying Mormons used to describe a blessing. (Proves that Mormons do not marry young to get away from their families)

We do not say COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS because we are competitive and we want to compare who has most.

HIGH COUNCILOR: Mormons believe in saying no to drugs! (Would someone give us the actual definition please?)

These are just a few, but we know there are more, what would you include in a Mormon Dictionary? We are Women, most of us say we know everything, but we'll admit it, we know mostly everything, so if we have some of the actual definitions wrong please give us the correct definition.

Sista Laurel

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Foreplay at Church?

We love all the emails we've been getting, especially about topics you'd like us to blog about. A Sister, who shall remain nameless, asked this question:

I am a single adult member of the church and was wondering. Why all the rubbing? I'm always sitting through sacrament meetings watching all the couples rubbing all over each other. Are they trying to make all the single people jealous? We get it, you have someone and we don't. Doesn't all that touching, stroking, rubbing, and whispering ignite the flames of romance (edited to find a more tender word than the one she used, hope you don't mind Sister)? Saw your blog loved it and thought maybe you could answer this question for me?

We are working on a response to this Sister's question. What about it? Since we both might be guilty as charged, help us out! Are couples always rubbing each other? Do other singles find this annoying? Do we need more fire extinguishers at church? Is this why Mormons have so many kids?

Sista Beehive & Sista Laurel

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Jerry Springer In Sacrament Meeting

Oh Brothers and Sisters, you want to hear embarrassing church stories. So this was during my Jackie Years (you know the female version of a "Jack Mormon"). Before I knew that watching Jerry Springer was against the "Words of Wisdom"(or at least it should be).

Jerry Springer was my favorite pass time. I watched Jerry while I cleaned. Jerry was my company when I cooked dinner. Pretty much when my wonderful hubby was working, Jerry was the man of the house. My husband had warned me about watching the Jerry Springer Show...Especially in front of our 8 children. I even refused to acknowledge my Jerry addiction when the sisters in Relief Society warned against the dangers of watching such crud. Telling myself that "if it were really an issue the "Brethren" would address the issue (they never did).

Any who, I didn't think that applied to my 18 month old who's brain was developing daily and she was learning faster then Jerry and I could teach her. I had convinced my husband that I had broken up with Jerry, and that my 18 month old and I had been spending the day watching Barney and educational videos.

However little did we (hubby,and I) know that my secret would soon be out. Imagine this brotha's and sista's...Oops, I do mean brother's and sister's. Sitting in Sacrament Meeting waiting for the Sacrament... My baby raises her hands over her head, starts pumping her fists up and down, and chanting "Eerry, Eerry, Eerry,". Realizing what she was saying I quickly tried to quiet her, as I was reaching for my 18 month old, my husband, bishop, and a few others quickly glanced over in my direction. Making eye contact with my husband, I said "what, it's from a long time ago" (can't remember if I ever repented for that lie, for sure on my list of to do's). He just gave me one of those looks that said it all. I knew, that he knew, that I hadn't really broken up with Jerry. What was I to do, except hold my head up and act normal. The thought that kept going through my head was "never let 'em see you sweat".

After Sacrament, the Bishop asked, what she was chanting with a sly smirk on his face... My only reply was " I don't know, hubby had her all day yesterday". Again, not sure I ever got that cleared up. (How late is too late to repent?). Anyway, grateful for three things in this story, a child that probably could have used some speech therapy. A Bishop that was young and had a sense of humor, and God blessing me with some color, so that when I get embarrassed I don't turn bright red, instead I get a nice shade of purple... Amen!

P.S. I can honestly say I've had 11 yrs of Jerry Springer Sobriety!!

Thank you so much for sharing your most embarrassing chapel stories, keep them coming! We love sharing the Spirit and Sharing our silly moments with our brothers and sisters! It makes us all feel "Blessed and Highly Favored!!"

God Speed,
Sista Beehive

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The Deacons Drank The Wine!

There are experiences I had as a child that absolutely mortified me, but now that I am an adult I can look back at them and laugh. Why do so many of those experiences involve an LDS chapel and a man named Mr. Lucius? Mr. Lucius was a family friend who often accompanied my Grandmother when she attended church with my family. He was a retired school bus driver, with a mouth full of dentures, who spoke like he was constantly chewing on a biscuit. No one could ever understand what Mr. Lucius was saying. Unless of course the speech was going to be so embarrassing that you slumped deep down into and prayed that you could disappear. Those were the times when he spoke ever so clearly.

Mr. Lucius was a Bible thumpin, foot stompin, Southern Baptist. My siblings and I had long ceased to be phased by the Amen’s and Hallelujahs he enthusiastically shouted to the confused Sacrament Meeting speakers. In fact we often coaxed him into a few, but on this particular Sunday…oh boy!

During the passing of the Sacrament, the time when the chapel is most silent, Mr. Lucius grabbed the wrist of the Deacon, who had just finished passing us the water and loudly proclaimed….

“Them lil' alter boys done drunk all the wine and filled these cups with water!”

Oh my goodness!... I wanted to die... and be resurrected in a time when Mr. Lucius had all his teeth, but never ever, ever opened his mouth…And why was he looking at us with that triumphant grin on his face, like he had just cracked an unsolved mystery. In my head I was screaming SIT DOWN, YOU ARE NOT COLUMBO!

My parents quietly tried to explain to a disbelieving Mr. Lucius, that the Deacons had not in fact drank any wine, and that the cups were intended to be filled with water. As the Deacon who was trying desperately to hold back his laughter collected the tray, I thought to myself…I will never live this down.

After the meeting, as I took my long slow walk of shame to Primary, I offered a fervent prayer...Dear God, please let it be true…am I adopted?

Sista Laurel


Am I the only one who has ever been embarrassed in the chapel?

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The Mormon James Earl Jones

There are those voices, those smoothe, silky voices, you know the ones. They can read the ingredients off canned food and make you melt. Let's name a few:

Sean Connery

    

James Earl Jones

          

Then there's Barry White. His voice is so sultry, his music has been dubbed "Baby Making Music".


A list of Best Speaking Voices also named: Anthony Hopkins, Elvis Presley, Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford, Vincent Price,

and of course, Don LaFontaine.


On the lists of all the "Bad Boys of Voice," one voice is consistently missing. This voice reaches millions, it touches our hearts every week, "from the crossroads of the West.." He welcomes us to a program of inspirational music and spoken word.....

Lloyd D. Newell, Announcer for:
Music and the Spoken Word, Mormon Tabernacle Choir

& often forgotten - Bad Boy of Voice

Yup! That's him. Lloyd D. Newell. Now I know some of you are thinking, you're crazy, you just grouped him in with some of the best speaking voices of ALL time! You might be saying he's got nothing on Nathan Morris (the bass from Boyz II Men who does the speaking parts). Well, I'm saying your wrong, there's a reason he annouces for a Grammy winning choir, his voice is like sunshine in my soul today!

Now don't go telling folks that there are two sistas with a blog saying that during Music and the Spoken Word is the perfect time to get your groove on. Yes, Brother Newell is definitely on the list, but for that particular calling, please stick to the smooth sounds of Brotha Barry White.

Sista Laurel

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Blessed And Highly Favored!

Being a convert to the L.D.S. Church, I'm always impressed with our brothers and sisters who attend General Conference. Everyone always looks so nice and neat. Which is in contrast to my memories of the many Pentecostal Conventions I attended in my youth. My mother would go through great pains in search of the perfect hat, dress, and shoes, and that was just for us kids.

On the other hand, my mother took a totally different approach with her outfit. It was all about being and looking "blessed and highly favored by the Lawd". If her dress was store bought then her hat was hand made, if her hat was store bought then her dress was tailor made. My mother, like most women, wasn't willing to "run into herself," and the thought of that happening would create enough stress to make her switch outfits 3 or 4 times to be sure that she was going to look unique and fabulous! I want you to know that during Convention the women put the "D" in Dress and the men put the "S" in Sharp! At Convention, looking nice and neat simply won't do!

Now I know that there are so many other things that I need to be focused on during General Conference. However, my thoughts were on the wives of the many General Authorities that line the stands this Conference. I also wonder about the thoughts of the many sisters who are seated in the congregation. Did they frantically run around SLC in search of the perfect pink blazer? Did some of the women make a mad dash to ZCMI looking for the perfect purple dress?...oops that was the Mo-Tab. Anywho, I wonder if there will ever be a time when the women in our church will decide that "nice and neat" is no longer an option. I wonder when we will decide that it's time for us to really dress up for Jesus. When will we decide to step up and step out SHARP!!!?

Oh my... Where has the time gone? Here I've let my thoughts get the best of me, and I've missed most of the speakers. I'm so grateful for the Ensign!

Sista Beehive

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The Tie Game

Today began the 179th Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It also kicked off discussions all across the world of parents telling teenagers that the Saturday sessions are just as important as the Sunday sessions. When I was younger I didn't even know there were Saturday Conference sessions. All I knew was that twice a year my parents left on Saturday morning and didn't come back until the evening. They were using the Saturday sessions of conference to run away from us, and those were usually the days when the house was burned down or one of my siblings was locked in the closet for hours.

There was this rumor I used to hear about when I was younger, about this far off distant land, where people got to stay home and watch General Conference in their pajamas. When I finally had the chance to get voted onto the island, boy was it not what I thought it would be. First of all, when you watch Conference at church it's dark (they turn out the lights so you can see the screen, like in a movie theater), your parents can't tell if you have your eyes open or not, or if you are having a thumb war in the pew with your sister, but from home, oh no, they can see it all. My siblings and I had to come up with things like the "tie game." The tie game is when you wait for the knot of the tie of the person at the pulpit to be completely covered by the microphone.There are no winners or losers in this game. You don't even get points. You just sit, watching and waiting. With some speakers it gets so close and you are sure that it will cover the knot, but it never does, so you continue to watch and wait and then finally... there it is, no more knot.

President Thomas S. Monson

President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

and perfect example of the "tie game"

To this day my parents are still fooled by the tie game. My parents would glance over at their reverent children starring intently at the speaker on screen, and a smile would cross their faces....little did they know. Now I know what some of you are thinking, poor broke kids, playing the tie game, so sad. It is sad! Why didn't somebody tell my Mama about General Conference bingo (I just barely found out about this!).

Now this game looks like fun! When you hear a speaker say one of the words on your card, you get to put an M&M on it and the first one to get five in a row whispers bingo. See that would have helped us pay attention, even though our bingo cards would have been pencil drawn on recycled notebook paper (and by recycled I mean the backside of an already used sheet of paper), and we would have been using rocks from the yard as bingo chips (cause my Mother doesn't let us play with food). It's ok though, because now I am all grown up and I don't need gimicks to keep me interested in Conference. I am focused, I am like the Rocky of General Conference, watching, my eye is on the tiger (I don't know if that's even right... I was heavily medicated when I saw that movie). Go ahead quiz me on anything! (side note: its an open book quiz, so you can't quiz me until the November issue of the Ensign is out).

Sista Laurel

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This policy is valid from 01 October 2009

This blog is a collaborative blog written by a group of individuals. For questions about this blog, please contact Contact at sistasinzion Dot com.

This blog accepts forms of cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions or other forms of compensation.

The compensation received may influence the advertising content, topics or posts made in this blog. That content, advertising space or post may not always be identified as paid or sponsored content.

The owner(s) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. Even though the owner(s) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements, we always give our honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers' own. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer, provider or party in question.

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KUTV MORMON NUDISTS NEWS STORY

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