Have I done any Good In His/Her World Today?

What did I do to help shape his/her world today? This is a question mothers and mother-figures often ask themselves. The discussion of motherhood seems to arouse strong emotions in us. We all come to the discussion with our own personal experience, yet one thing that we can all agree on is the relationship (or lack thereof) between a mother and a child is a vital part of helping to shape us. And how we see ourselves in the world.

The relationship with our mother often establishes a pattern of future relationships.Which is why many of us will sit in church today silently battling the internal conflict of the “Good” mother. As Sista LaKeysha (a safe name for us because there isn’t a LaKeysha in our wards...currently) stands up today and shares how wonderful her mother was. You’ve heard it before:

“I’m so grateful for my wonderful mother and the example she was to me growing up. Everyday when my 12 brothers and sisters and I came home from school, my mother had fresh baked cookies for us with a cup of freshly squeezed milk from our family cow Daisy. She got her Ph.D. from BYU in Early Childhood Education with a minor in Psychology, just so she could be of aide to her children when we needed her. I don’t know what I would have done without the love and support of my wonderful mother…"

C'mon Sistas, sit up a little higher in those seats. Please stop beating yourselves up because you weren’t like Sista LaKeysha’s mother. The person we make our mothers out to be in our adult minds are often very different from the mother we had as young children, and that person is different from the mother we had in our pre-teen and teen years. The point is, we should no more beat ourselves up over Sista LaKeysha’s experience than we should over Sista Becky’s. Whose story we may have heard as well:

“Hello, I’m Becky and I honestly don’t know why the Bishop asked me to speak today. Ummm, and I really don’t know why he asked me to speak right after Sista LaKeysha, because our lives couldn’t have been more different. Ummm, I really struggle with Mother's Day. I didn’t have the best mom growing up. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. She had some addictions and we often went without because of her issues. She often left my two brothers and I in adverse situations that were beyond our control. If it weren’t for the mercy of strangers our lives may have turned out completely different. My number one goal was to be completely different then she was, and I am…!"

Okay, that was a bit dramatic. However, just as you shouldn’t celebrate not being like Sista Becky’s mother, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for not being like Sista LaKeysha’s mother. As we start down the rocky path of motherhood most of us have no idea what is going to be asked of us in the process of parenting another one of God’s children. Even when we start that journey with the best of intentions, the entire process holds countless surprises. Some women can’t wait to be mothers and then realize too late they probably should have waited. Some women wait then realize they could have started earlier (we don’t know that person, but one of you might). The reality is being a mother offers up multiple opportunities for helping or hindering our children toward adulthood.

As mothers we have many truths (not really, but we believe them to be true). When children behave inappropriately (in public), it’s the mother’s fault. When children are well behaved, it’s because they were brought up “right”. Because of the widespread tendency within our culture to blame the mother, it's common for those of us who have braved the rapid waves of mothering to live with haunting questions about what we did or did not do in shaping our children's lives. "Mother's guilt" is a common ailment, especially among LDS Women. Whether you have mild, infrequent discomfort or full anxiety attacks, very few women (even those who don’t have children) escape “Mother's guilt.”

The truth is, motherhood (womanhood) is difficult. For some, the demands of both are met with ease; for others, the demands are simply too much. We are the bridge between generations. It is wise for us to try to remember and be merciful towards those who have and still stumble as they continue trying to establish a foundation on motherhood. Also, we should celebrate with our sistas who seemingly have it figured out as they soar beyond the limitations we may have set for ourselves.

Today it is wise to remember the women who have influenced our lives with some justice (Lest we deceive ourselves, setting standards that would make even Mary the mother of Jesus feel inadequate), but mostly mercy. Because we are all simply doing the best we can with what we've been given. As our MoDea (Mormon Madea) says “When you know better, you do better.” Here is to wishing us all better days ahead.

Happy Mothers Day,
Sista Beehive and Sista Laurel